


Human is Okay Too

by Kimium



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Basically be familiar with Hallow and you'll be fine, Minute mentions of spoilers for Kanda's past?, Multi, One Shot, Some swearing thanks to Kanda, canon typical violence mentioned, tumblr prompt fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 13:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14020806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimium/pseuds/Kimium
Summary: Tumblr Prompt Fill: Only HumanAll Kanda wants to do is complete missions and be left alone in peace. Does he get his wish? Missions completed, yes. Left alone in peace? Not a chance.





	Human is Okay Too

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> So, this is a very big fandom turn for me, as this is my first time writing for the DGM fandom. However, with (part one of) season four available to purchase and me rewatching S4/ some Hallow, I was inspired to write for the fandom. 
> 
> This story is filling an ask on tumblr from an anon who gave me the choice between "Memories" and "Only Human". I picked the later (obviously XD) and this is the result.
> 
> Writing as Kanda was a ton of fun and I'd love to write as him again. I had a blast writing this story, so I hope you all enjoy it. As always, feel free to leave kudos and comments. Those always make my day! And, if you want to visit me on my tumblr it's [ here](http://www.kimium.tumblr.com).

Every time he closed his eyes, Kanda saw the lotus flowers. They never changed, always a perfect blend of pink and purple, floating precariously in his mind, like there was a pond always dwelling internally. Sometimes, Kanda swore he could smell the flowers too, their light, almost paper-thin scent.

He hated them. Hated everything they stood for. Literature often spoke of lotus flowers as a symbol of strength, rising out of the mud and water towards the sun.

Kanda wished they just remained buried.

Slamming his fist against the stone wall of his quarters, Kanda ignored the tingle spreading from the impact. The pain wasn’t there, it wasn’t even a dull pain, but Kanda wished there was something, anything to feel. It would help distract him from the flowers that plagued his mind, a duo of blessing and curse.

Well, the blessing part was debateable.

_“Don’t push yourself Kanda, you’re only human.”_

Komui’s voice filtered in his mind, the memory grainy, not precise. That was because lately, that was all Komui would say to him when he visited him in the infirmary, should he land himself there. He wasn’t supposed to push himself so hard, he had to be careful on missions.

Hard to follow when the Akuma attacks were becoming more and more frequent. Kanda let out a thin sigh and touched his shoulder. It still felt tender from his last battle, where he had been slammed against a wall.

Kanda scoffed and shoved that memory away. It didn’t matter. He had won, the Akuma dead, and another victory for the Black Order.

Getting out of bed, Kanda did a few stretches, resting on the cold stone floor, hoping it would help wake him up, help drive the lotus flowers away from his mind. A futile effort, as soon all Kanda could feel under his legs were the flowers, soft, delicate. He hopped up, mind spinning.

Ridiculous. Weak. He wasn’t going to let this get to him. Flowers or no, he had a duty, a task to fulfil. He wasn’t going to crack because of the flowers, and he certainly wasn’t going to die because of them either.

Exiting his room, Kanda went to the shared baths, knowing that at the early hour, he’d be the only one there, as he preferred it. After stripping down and leaving his clothes in a basket, Kanda went to the shower and turned it on scalding.

The water left his skin red, but Kanda didn’t care. He closed his eyes and let the water drip down his face, his hair flattening under the weight. Every time the water bounced off the floor, Kanda could feel a lotus blossom at his feet, blooming. He punched the wall, ignoring the small dent and turned the water just a bit hotter.

When he finished and was dressed, Kanda went out to the dining hall, thankful only a handful of members were present. Heading to Jerry, Kanda thanked the chef as his breakfast was made with blinding speed. Traditional style as always.

Sitting in a corner, Kanda began to eat. He was almost finished when he felt someone walk up to him. He held back a growl and whipped his head up. Lenalee stood there, hands grasped around a clipboard.

“Kanda, there you are.” She brightly said. “My brother wants to talk with you, says we have another mission.”

A mission. Kanda stood up, grabbing his tray. Good. It would prove to be a decent distraction.

~

His side hurt, his clothing was damaged, and he was filthy, but Kanda had won and that was all that mattered in the end. Spitting some blood out of his mouth he tried to move and the pain in his side screamed, throbbing with each step. He held back a curse and kept walking back to the Finders. Every step began to feel heavy and Kanda could feel his vision blurring. Damn it. Why wasn’t he healing? Kanda exhaled sharply and smelt lotus flowers. He held back a curse.

“Ah, Kanda, sir.” One of the Finders scrambled to their feet, eyes wide, “You’re injured.”

Obvious statement of the century. Kanda scoffed, “The Akuma are gone. Let’s go.”

He turned, feeling his balance wobble. Kanda bit his lip and headed back to the inn. He didn’t care if the Finders followed him or not. All he needed was a moment to himself, to rest…

Kanda didn’t remember the trip back to the inn, though he was grateful the owners allowed members of the Black Order use the back door to avoid attention. It was helpful if they needed to slip out quietly, or in Kanda’s case, slip in without causing a scene.

Numbly smacking the door when trying to open it, Kanda forced it open with the last of his strength and flopped inside, slamming the door shut behind him. Legs collapsing underneath him, Kanda half fell onto the floor of the kitchen. A clattering in the distance alerted him. He immediately tightened his grip on Mugen and darted his gaze up. The owner’s daughter was sitting at the table, barely ten or eleven. Kanda groaned and stood up, shooting a glare at her.

“You’re injured mister.” She was at her feet, spoon still in hand.

“No,” Kanda growled, “Stay put. I’m fine. Mind your own damn business you brat.”

She huffed, “You’re injured.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Kanda snapped, “And I’m fine. It will heal.” He wobbled towards the exit to the kitchen’s exit, “Don’t you dare breathe a word of this.” He told her before leaving the kitchen.

He hobbled up to the rooms they were using, thankful he had a private one. Everything was aching more and Kanda was sure he was bleeding through his ruined jacket. Not that he could see it, in the dark fabric.

In the bathroom was a standard first aid kit. Kanda sighed. It would have to do. Collapsing harshly against the counter, he ripped his jacket off, wincing as some skin went along with the jacket.

His side was a discoloured mess, splotchy with purples and blues until it got to the gaping hole. Then it was red with blood. His arm was also discoloured and his shoulder looked like something was broken. Great. Hopefully he didn’t reinjure an old injury. Though, it wouldn’t be the first time. Kanda washed his side carefully, ignoring how the water began to run pink, making sure it was clean. Then he got to work, patching himself up.

By the time he was done, Kanda’s fingers were stained red from cleaning his side and he was exhausted. A shower would have to wait. Doing his best to clean his hands and side of blood, Kanda then made his way to the bed.

Kicking his boots off was a pain, but he managed to do so. Flopping onto the bed, Kanda closed his eyes and let sleep take him. As he fell asleep he could see some lotus flowers floating on the ground.

~

The next day the wounds were healed, most of his bruising gone, but the hole in his side was still quite raw. Kanda glared at it through the mirror, as though his glaring would speed up the healing process. Still, now that he had some sleep Kanda had the energy to wash up, mainly making sure his hair didn’t feel grimy.

When he finished, Kanda went down to the dining hall. All the Finders were there, finishing eating. Good. They were leaving. He wasn’t spending another moment in his place.

“But, what about your breakfast?” The owner’s wife asked.

“I’m fine.” Kanda curtly told her.

She frowned. “I’ll pack you a lunch. Exorcists are only human after all.” She gave a small smile, “You’re bound to get hungry.”

Her gesture was kind, but her words sunk deeply in Kanda’s skin. Only human… including him, even if he had super human healing. Kanda glared at the floor.

When they were on the train back to the Order, Kanda took the window seat and glowered out the window, the woman’s words floating in his brain. Only human… only human… breakable… had to be careful.

He hissed. What did it matter? Human or not, using it as an excuse wasn’t going to win them any battles. He couldn’t shy away from fighting because of the fragility of life.

The throbbing pain in his side spoke other wise. Kanda silently told it to shut up.

~

Of course, the moment they returned, Kanda was whisked away to Komui’s office to report. It was part of every mission, but that didn’t mean Kanda had to like it. He shot his best glare the entire way, though Reever and Lenalee were immune to it by now. Still, he managed to get a small jolt from Komui when he entered. Small victories.

“Welcome back Kanda.” Komui said, straightening his glasses, “How did it go?”

“It was boring as fuck.” Kanda rolled his eyes, “Just some level twos and a level three. Minimal property damage was sustained. Can I leave?” This time he was asking, so Kanda took that as being polite.

“And yourself?” Komui raised an eyebrow, “I’ve been informed you got injured and ruined yet another coat.”

Kanda was going to find the Finder who told Komui and chase them with Mugen. “I’m fine.”

“Kanda…” Komui’s voice was borderline patient and stern, “You know the protocol. Go to the infirmary and get it checked out.”

“I said I’m fine.” Kanda hissed.

“Well, if that’s the case you won’t have a problem getting a check up, now will you?” Komui sweetly asked. Kanda paused. He was strongly considering chasing Komui with Mugen first.

“Lenalee, if you would be so kind.” Komui practically sang.

“Of course,” Lenalee nodded, “Come on Kanda, let’s go.”

Kanda scoffed. There was no way around this. Lenalee would kick his ass if he tried to escape. Grumbling he followed her, down the familiar hall to the infirmary. Upon entering, Kanda winced at the whiteness of the room.

“Sit down.” Lenalee instructed, “And let me see.”

Doing as she asked, Kanda opened his shirt a little, letting her see his torso. Lenalee took it all in silently. Kanda was grateful she never made comments about any injury. Instead she snapped on a pair of gloves and gently poked at his side.

“It’s still a bit tender.” She observed, “But it’s healing.” She stood up, “I’ll help you rebandage it.”

“Whatever.” Kanda muttered.

“Kanda…” Lenalee paused, “Komui says your healing has been slower lately. Is it connected to stress or lack of sleep?”

That… Kanda was definitely going to chase Komui around with Mugen.

“I said I’m fine.”

“Kanda.” Lenalee’s voice was firm. “We’re only human. You need to be careful.”

Human… why was everyone telling him this? Kanda’s glare sharpened, “Let me worry about myself Lenalee.”

“Hard to do so when you return from all missions beat up.” She retorted.

“As if you don’t get injured.”

“Not as badly as you do.” Lenalee pointed out, “Now hold still…”

As she began to wrap the bandages around his side, the door opened and a familiar head of red hair poked in. A second later white hair. Kanda let out an aggravated sigh. He was not in the mood for this.

“Go away Rabbit, Bean sprout.” He snapped.

“It’s Allen, for the millionth time.” Allen retorted.

“Hello Yuu!” Lavi said at the same time.

“It. Is. Kanda.” He bit out, “And get the fuck out.”

“Rude…” Lavi drew out the last syllables, “We heard you had returned, so we came to visit.” He walked over, taking everything in with a precision that always made Kanda wary, “Some injury you got there.”

“It’s nothing.” Kanda tried to sit up, close his shirt, but Lenalee jabbed him in the other side. Kanda flopped back down.

“I’ve walked away from battles less injured.” Allen said, “What are you doing out there? Throwing yourself into enemy fire?”

“I’m doing my damn job.” Kanda answered.

“I didn’t realize our jobs were to get turned into Swiss cheese.” Lavi cheerfully said, “Say, speaking of food, let’s get something to eat when you’re done in here.”

At this, Allen brightened and nodded, “Yes, yes, good idea Lavi.” He grinned when Lavi slung an arm around his shoulders, “Well Kanda?”

“I’m going back to my room for some peace and quiet.” Kanda told them, standing up now that Lenalee was finishing.

“Oh… okay.” Lavi didn’t sound perturbed, “We can bring food to your room and eat. It’s been a while since all four of us hung out in your room.”

What part of the hint was Lavi not getting? Actually, nothing, Lavi knew, but he was being obtuse. Kanda grabbed Mugen. Perhaps Lavi was now on top of his list of People to Chase with Mugen.

“That’s a great idea!” Lenalee looked happy, clapping her hands. “I’ll ask Jerry to make all our favourite things.” She raced off.

“Ah, I’ll go with you!” Allen volunteered, “I’ll see you two in your room Kanda!” He added before running off.

Kanda groaned. What did he have to do for some peace and quiet?

“You know, Yuu.” Lavi was suddenly right beside him, arm curling lightly around Kanda’s waist, “If you wanted to get us into your room, you could be blunt about it.”

“That’s it.” Kanda snapped, drawing Mugen, “I’m going to kill you.”

Lavi leapt away, laughing, “Relax Yuu. We don’t mind. I promise we won’t do anything you won’t like.”

Kanda swung at Lavi, who ducked, “Don’t be like that.” Lavi laughed, “Let’s go eat, shall we?”

Reaching for Kanda’s hand, Lavi boldly took it and dragged him down the hall, keeping a moderate pace, so Kanda’s injuries weren’t aggravated. When they got to his room, Lenalee and Allen were somehow already there with a mountain of food (actually two mountains, one mountain was for Allen only).

“Took you long enough.” Allen said between bites.

“Manners…” Lenalee sighed before smiling at Kanda, “Come on, let’s eat, you got to recover your strength.”

Kanda lowered Mugen and felt resignation fill him. Walking to his bed, he plopped down and grabbed the first thing he spotted, some fish and rice. He bit into the fish and felt a bit better. When they finished, Lavi and Allen took the dirty dishes out, leaving them outside the door so cleaning would take them away. They then both returned and sat on Kanda’s bed, all of them drawing close together.

It should have been uncomfortable with four bodies on a small bed, but as Kanda felt sleep over take him, he couldn’t help but feel a small bead of calm. As he closed his eyes, Kanda didn’t see any lotus flowers.

~

When he woke up, Lenalee and Lavi were pressed against his side. Allen was practically in his arms, face close to his chest. Kanda sat up gingerly and touched their hair, feeling the different textures against his fingers.

He smiled. At the end of the day, they were exorcists, human weapons, but right now Kanda felt only human.

And, in this particular moment, only human felt enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Traditional breakfast: Meaning a Japanese breakfast. Usually traditional Japanese breakfasts are rice, some sort of fish, salad, and miso soup.
> 
> Inn: I like to head canon that some inns let exorcists have special privileges, such as accessing staff only areas or the like.
> 
> Grimy hair: As someone with long hair I hate it when it feels grimy.
> 
> Chasing with Mugen: I think I might be splitting hairs, and I think I saw this in the main series, but I like to think when Mugen is unactivated it's just a regular sword and Kanda can hurt anyone with it (not just Akuma, which when activated that's the only thing Mugen can injure).
> 
> OT4: I ship it hard. (I also ship just Kanda/Allen and Lavi/Tyki in case anyone is wondering)


End file.
